What this country needs is a good five cent ANYTHING!
Hire the morally handicapped.
I can resist anything but temptation.
Modern man is the missing link between apes and human beings.
Earn cash in your spare time -- blackmail your friends.
Keep grandma off the streets -- legalize bingo.
Xerox never comes up with anything original.
George Orwell was an optimist.
Gravity is a myth, the Earth sucks.
Nostalgia isn't what it used to be.
They're only trying to make me LOOK paranoid!
Remember now, no more jokes about eununchs.
Time is nature's way of making sure that everything doesn't happen at once.
If God had wanted you to go around nude, He would have given you bigger hands.
What this country needs is a good five-cent nickel.
Forgetting your superuser password is just God's way of saying "BOOGA, BOOGA!"
A closed mouth gathers no foot.
A diva who specializes in risque arias is an off-coloratura soprano...
Violence is the last refuge of the incompetent.
If time heals all wounds, how come the belly button stays the same?
Death is nature's way of telling you to slow down
Down with categorical imperative!
Earn cash in your spare time -- blackmail your friends
Life is a yo-yo, and mankind ties knots in the string.
Things are more like they used to be than they are new.
Hummingbirds never remember the words to songs.
Lysistrata had a good idea.
Reality is an obstacle to hallucination.
Paul Revere was a tattle-tale.
Familiarity breeds attempt.
Coward: One who in a perilous emergency thinks with his legs.
God is a polytheist.
God isn't dead, he just couldn't find a parking place.
If God is perfect, why did He create discontinuous functions?
Admiration: Our polite recognition of another's resemblance to ourselves.
Round up the usual suspects today.
It is the business of the future to be dangerous.
The earth is like a tiny grain of sand, only much, much heavier.
"We don't care.  We don't have to.  We're the Phone Company."
If someone had told me I would be Pope one day, I would have studied harder.
The one who has the gold makes the rules. 
Accuracy: The vice of being right
Acting is an art which consists of keeping the audience from coughing
Good advice is something a man gives when he is too old to set a bad example.
Ambition is a poor excuse for not having sense enough to be lazy.
Antonym: The opposite of the word you're trying to think of.
Arithmetic is being able to count up to twenty without taking off your shoes.
Automobile: A four-wheeled vehicle that runs up hills and down pedestrians.
Broad-mindedness: The result of flattening high-mindedness out.
Christ:  A man who was born at least 5,000 years ahead of his time.
Cigarette: A fire at one end, a fool at the other, and tobacco in between.
Conscience is the inner voice that warns us somebody is looking.
The cow is nothing but a machine with makes grass fit for us people to eat.
Cynic: One who looks through rose-coloured glasses with a jaundiced eye.
Diplomacy is the art of saying "nice doggy" until you can find a rock.
A diplomat is a man who can convince his wife she'd look stout in a fur coat.
Electrocution: Burning at the stake with all the modern improvements.
Fairy Tale:  A horror story to prepare children for the newspapers.
If God had meant for us to be naked, we would have been born that way.
If Murphy's Law can go wrong, it will.
Hindsight is an exact science.
Opportunity always knocks at the least opportune moment.
If you don't care where you are, then you ain't lost.
You can make it foolproof, but you can't make it damnfoolproof.
In any organization there will always be one person who knows what is going on
This person must be fired.
It is easier to get forgiveness than permission.
There is no time like the present for postponing what you ought to be doing.
When you do not know what you are doing, do it neatly.
Science is true.  Don't be misled by facts.
Never test for an error condition you don't know how to handle.
Among economists, the real world is often a special case.
History doesn't repeat itself -- historians merely repeat each other.
Only adults have difficulty with childproof caps.
How long a minute is depends on which side of the bathroom door you're on.
All probabilities are 50 percent.  Either a thing will happen or it won't.
Likelihoods are 90 percent against you.
Superiority is recessive.
"The meat is rotten, but the booze is holding out."
The attention span of a computer is only as long as its electrical cord.
Old programmers never die.  They just branch to a new address.
Military intelligence is a contradiction in terms.
Military justice is to justice what military music is to music.
Justice: A decision in your favour.
Lunatic Asylum: The place where optimism most flourishes.
Majority: That quality that distinguishes a crime from a law.
Man is the only animal that blushes -- or needs to. 
Menu: A list of dishes which the restaurant has just run out of.
God is a comic playing to an audience that's afraid to laugh
Predestination was doomed from the start.
Xerox does it again and again and again and ...
The Supreme Court does it with all deliberate speed.
On a clear disk you can seek forever.
Marriage is the only adventure open to the cowardly.
Between two evils, I always pick the one I never tried before. -- Mae West.
Whenever I feel like exercise, I lie down until the feeling passes.
We have the best politicians money can buy
Think twice before speaking, but don't say "think think click click".
There's one fool at least in every married couple.
There are more old drunkards than old doctors.
Never call a man a fool; borrow from him.
Misery loves company, but company does not reciprocate.
Love is sentimental measles.
Life is like an onion: you peel off layers, then you find nothing in it.
If we do not change our direction we are likely to end up where we are headed.
You may be insane, but you're not crazy.
Draft beer, not people.
God isn't dead, He's just trying to avoid the draft.
God is an atheist.
Cunningness is next to godliness.
God is not dead -- he's been busted
Software makes hardware happen.
Hugh Hefner is a virgin.
Large cats can be dangerous, but a little pussy never hurt anyone.
Cleveland still lives.  God must be dead.
Occident:  The part of the world lying west (or east) of the Orient.
"If God wanted us to have a President, He would have sent us a candidate."
Sex is like a bridge game -If you have a good hand no partner is needed.
Hackers do it with all sorts of characters.
Hackers know all the right MOVs.
Hackers do it with fewer instructions.
Hackers do it with bugs.
AI hackers do it with robots.
AI hackers do it robotically.
Mathematicians take it to the limit.
Mathematicians do it in theory.
Statisticians probably do it.
Statisticians do it with 95 percent confidence.
Physicists do it with charm
Doctors take two aspirin and do it in the morning.
Bankers do it with interest (penalty for early withdrawal).
Politicians do it to everyone.
Test makers do it sometimes/always/never.
Procrastinators do it tomorrow.
Communists do it without class.
Evangelists do it with Him watching.
God gives us relatives; thank goodness we can chose our friends.
Kleptomaniac:  A rich thief.
Labour:  One of the processes by which A acquires property for B.
Liar:  A lawyer with a roving commission.
Mad:  Affected with a high degree of intellectual independence...
Misfortune:  The kind of fortune that never misses.
Monday:  In Christian countries, the day after the baseball game.
Never precede any demo by a comment more predictive than "Watch this!".
It is bad luck to be superstitious.
If A = B and B = C, then A = C, except where void or prohibited by law.
For every action there is an equal and opposite government program.
When you are in it up to your ears, keep your mouth shut.
Nothing in the known universe travels faster than a bad check.
A quarter-ounce of chocolate = four pounds of fat.
The shortest distance between two points is under construction.
Any small object that is accidentally dropped will hide under a larger object.
Pro is to con as progress is to Congress.
The chance of forgetting something is directly proportional to...to....uh....
Money is the root of all evil, and man needs roots.
Bank error in your favour.  Collect #200.
Look Wayne, the bat signal!!!
To do is to be -- Marx.  Do be do be do -- Sinatra.
Acid absorbs 47 times it's weight in excess reality.
!!!!!CP MBI na ni deppart m'I  !pleH
Sex is not the answer. Sex is the question.  "Yes" is the answer.
If anything can go wrong, it will.
I'd rather have a bottle in front of me than a frontal lobotomy.
Look out!  Behind you!
It is impossible to make anything foolproof because fools are so ingenious.
Once a job is fouled up, anything done to improve it only makes it worse.
Dimensions will always be expressed in the least usable term.
Build a system that even a fool can use, and only a fool will want to use it.
It works better if you plug it in.
Inside every large problem is a small problem struggling to get out.
All the good ones are already taken.
Government expands to absorb all available revenue and then some.
Progress is made on alternate Fridays.
Everybody should believe in something -- I believe I'll have another drink.
We have met the enemy, and he is us. -- Walt Kelly
Nothing astonishes men so much as common sense and plain dealing.
If the document should exist, it doesn't. If it does exist, it's out of date.
Clothes make the man.  Naked people have little or no influence on society.
If there is no God, who pops up the next Kleenex?
The shortest distance between two points is off the wall.
Blessed are they who Go Around in Circles, for they Shall be Known as Wheels.
You will be Told about it Tomorrow.  Go Home and Prepare Thyself.
Ambidextrous:  Able to pick with equal skill a right-hand pocket or a left.
God made the world in six days, and was arrested on the seventh.
Dawn:  The time when people of reason go to bed.
Did you know that clones never use mirrors?
Please ignore previous fortune.
Are we not men?
If bankers can count, how come they have eight windows and only four tellers?
An elephant is a mouse with an operating system.
f u cn rd ths, itn tyg h myxbl cd.
A sine curve goes off to infinity or at least the end of the blackboard
NOBODY EXPECTS THE SPANISH INQUISITION
It is much easier to suggest solutions when you know nothing about the problem.
Computers are not intelligent.  They only think they are.
Let He who taketh the Plunge Remember to return it by Tuesday.
Those who can, do.  Those who can't, simulate.
Those who can't write, write manuals.
Never put off till tomorrow what you can avoid all together.
Never call a man a fool.  Borrow from him.
Mistakes are often the stepping stones to utter failure.
A truly wise man never plays leapfrog with a unicorn.
It seems like the less a statesman amounts to, the more he loves the flag.
SHIFT TO THE LEFT!  SHIFT TO THE RIGHT! POP UP, PUSH DOWN, BYTE, BYTE, BYTE!
"If God lived on Earth, people would knock out all His windows." -- Yiddish 
Horse sense is the thing a horse has which keeps it from betting on people.
This will be a memorable month -- no matter how hard you try to forget it.
Beware of low-flying butterflies.
Green light in A.M. for new projects.  Red light in P.M. for traffic tickets.
Artistic ventures highlighted.  Rob a museum.
Keep emotionally active.  Cater to your favourite neurosis.
Do not drink coffee in early A.M.  It will keep you awake until noon.
You may be recognized soon.  Hide.
You have the capacity to learn from mistakes.  You'll learn a lot today.
Good day for overcoming obstacles.  Try a steeplechase.
Day of inquiry.  You will be subpoenaed.
Stay away from flying saucers today.
You've been leading a dog's life.  Stay off the furniture.
Help a swallow land at Capistrano.
Succumb to natural tendencies.  Be hateful and boring.
Half Moon tonight.  (At least its better than no Moon at all.)
Truth will be out this morning.  (Which may really mess things up.)
Travel important today;  Internal Revenue men arrive tomorrow.
Fine day to throw a party.  Throw him as far as you can.
Good news.  Ten weeks from Friday will be a pretty good day.
Think of your family tonight.  Try to crawl home after the computer crashes.
Show respect for age.  Drink good Scotch for a change.
Give thought to your reputation.  Consider changing name and moving town.
If you think last Tuesday was a drag, wait till you see what happens tomorrow!
Excellent day to have a rotten day.
You worry too much about your job. Stop it. You are not paid enough to worry.
Don't tell any big lies today.  Small ones can be just as effective.
Others will look to you for stability, so hide when you bite your nails.
A professor is one who talks in someone else's sleep.
You cannot kill time without injuring eternity.
Ten years of rejection slips is nature's way of telling you to stop writing.
Don't use excessive force in supplying such moron with a period.
What use is magic if it can't save a unicorn? -- Peter S. Beagle
If at first you don't succeed, give up, no use being a damn fool.
Wasting time is an important part of living.
I'm prepared for all emergencies but totally unprepared for everyday life.
Excellent day for drinking heavily.  Spike office water cooler.
Excellent time to become a missing person.
A day for firm decisions!!!!!  Or is it?
Fine day to work off excess energy.  Steal something heavy.
Things will be bright in P.M.  A cop will shine a light in your face.
Good day to avoid cops.  Crawl to work.
Screw up your courage!  You've screwed up everything else.
Don't believe everything you hear or anything you say.
Do something unusual today.  Pay a bill.
You will be a winner today.  Pick a fight with a four-year-old.
Surprise due today.  Also the rent.
Avoid reality at all costs.
Good day to let down old friends who need help.
Next Friday will not be your lucky day. You don't have a lucky day this year.
You are wise & witty but you spend too much time reading this sort of trash.
What the hell, go ahead and put all your eggs in one basket.
Don't go surfing in South Dakota for a while.
Celebrate Hannibal Day this year.  Take an elephant to lunch.
Stay away from hurricanes for a while.
Caution: breathing may be hazardous to your health.
Remember, even if you win the rat race -- you're still a rat.
Nihilism should commence with oneself.
I'd give my right arm to be ambidextrous.
Nudists are people who wear one-button suits.
Tomorrow will be cancelled due to lack of interest.
Old soldiers never die.  Young ones do.
UFO's are for real: the Air Force doesn't exist.
Drive defensively, buy a tank.
The world is coming to an end!  Repent and return those library books!
Never be led astray onto the path of virtue.
Give your child mental blocks for Christmas.
Don't hate yourself in the morning -- sleep till noon.
Keep America beautiful.  Swallow your beer cans.
